<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Honigclott by astrumiilius</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24806926">Honigclott</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrumiilius/pseuds/astrumiilius'>astrumiilius</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Other, alien fuckery i dont knooowww</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:28:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24806926</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrumiilius/pseuds/astrumiilius</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An exploration of Benrey's monologue and how to create a monster that never wanted to be a monster. Also a self-indulgent Benrey Is Good Actually AU &lt;:)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benrey/Gordon Freeman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Honigclott</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi!!! ive been workin on this dumb lil au for a lil while n its kinda self indulgent but i'm havin fun so &lt;:)!! this is my first time trying to write a multichap fic but i'm determined to finish it to learn self discipline uwu plus i already have it all planned out so!!! i hope u enjoy it i lov u</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The halls of the Black Mesa Science Facility had never been so busy. Today was a busy day, for everybody.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scientists scurried in their white overcoats like beetles, holding onto their oversized stacks of paperwork as papers flew out behind them and floated down like leaves, only to be kicked up again as a wave of new scientists whistled past. There were guards, too, stationed at every airlock entrance; one at the right and one at the left. They were checking everybody’s IDs as they moved around. Extra security to make sure nothing ruined this momentous day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was one man who planned to, though. He had his arms crossed over his chest, one foot resting against the wall that he leaned on, eyes hawk-focused on the people who moved in and out of this section of hallway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nothing so far had worked in stopping this “test” from going through, no matter what colossal asteroids he threw at it, so this was his final chance. He brought his right hand up to wipe away a stray lock of hair that had fallen into his eyes, brushing it back under his helmet and behind his ear where it belonged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just then, a bird-boned scientist, clad in traditional white, flew around the corner, screeching to a halt in front of the guards and stomping his foot indignantly. He huffed at them, proverbial feathers ruffling as he straightened his back, looked down at them under his glasses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me through.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guards at the airlock looked at each other, unamused by this display. The one on the right rolled their eyes before holding out their hand in expectation. “Yeah, we’re gonna need to see some ID.” was all they said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The scientist stared them down, what sounded like--growling? He was growling at them. “Don’t you know who I am?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oof. Somebody was touchy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A tap on the shoulder turned Benrey’s attention away, and he looked up into the face of a fellow guard, a friend. His name was--what was it? Jeffer...Jefferem? Something like that. They played Call of Duty together sometimes on the weekends, but Benrey had never been all that good with names. Jefferwhatever looked at him, eyebrows raised, his arms crossed over his chest, fists balled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“whuh?” Benrey asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other guard tapped his foot, sighing at Benrey’s lack of discipline, common <i>sense</i>, anything really. “Isn’t there something better you could be doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey looked down at himself, looked around the hall, and shrugged. “i dunno. ‘m just chillin, man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeffersomething opened his mouth to say something, when he was cut off by a sudden <i>shriek</i>. Benrey snapped his head up to see the guard from before, the one who had asked that scientist for his ID, batting down a sudden fire on their chest. They swatted at themself to choke the flame out as other guards flocked around, too distracted to notice that scientist letting himself through the airlock. He cackled the entire way through. Benrey noted that down with curiosity for later, although he didn’t move a muscle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuckin’...freaks of this place, amirite?” one of the swarmed guards said with shaky breath once they realised what happened, one hand on the gun at their side. Benrey hummed. This whole place was kind of a freakshow. That’s what he was doing here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next few minutes were uneventful. The torrential downpour of scientists had slowed into a dull drizzle, and Benrey was beginning to worry he might have...missed the person he was here for. But he couldn’t have? He’d been here <i>hours</i> early, had stood in this exact spot with his eyes on the crowd the whole time, but would any self-respecting, <i>very-key, <i>scientist in this whole operation really be late? </i></i></span><i><i></i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t have to wait long to get his answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A huge orange metal form blew down the corridor in a whirlwind. They swung their arms vigorously, tall, tall legs swooping what must have been Benrey’s entire height in one quick stride, and they didn’t stop as they barrelled towards the airlock doors.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really late, I gotta get through!” Their voice was deep and loud and came right from the stomach, a strong voice that could speak over airplanes if it willed, and it seemed to match the frame it belonged to. The scientist in that bright orange HEV suit was dizzyingly tall--Benrey thought they must have been pushing seven feet, and they were thick in a way that Benrey couldn’t tell if it was fat or muscle, or perhaps even both. It could have just been the suit, too, but it looked like they had absolute ogre’s feet. Damn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey cleared his throat and stood out in their path, causing them to slow down, and eventually halt, in front of him, although he could see them jittering at it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“hey, uh, yeah...” he began, sniffling and stalling for time until he could figure out a good reason to get them to turn around and just go home. “i’m, uh...gonna have to see your passport.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, man, I’m super late, I really don’t have time for-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey cut them off. “gonna need your, uh...its company policy. you gotta have your passport.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Benrey could see their face through the HEV suit’s helmet, he would see the vein popping in their forehead, but as it was, he just stared into the blank expression of the suit and shuffled in the silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They shook their head, letting out an aggravated huff of air. “Fine...fine! Whatever. Look, here’s my company ID, my driver’s licence, can I <i>please </i>go in before Dr. Coomer kills me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey made a good show out of scrutinising the IDs. “Gordon...Freeman...what kinda, uh, lame ass name-”</span>
</p><p>
  <i>Gordon Freeman </i>snatched his ID back.
</p><p>
  <span>“anyway, you uh. i still need your passport, dude. company, uh, like i said...company stuff.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since <i>when</i>? Since when have you needed my passport?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“look, i’m not, um-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From behind him, Jefferoth cleared his throat, taking a step forward. “Ben, what are-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey cut him off with a high sung note, bubbles of blue and pink and purple flowing out of his mouth and around his fellow guard in floating rings, before dispersing into the air he breathed in. Jefferby dropped whatever he was saying, a blank look passing across his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What...” Gordon tried to ask, but the words fizzled out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey blinked at him. “oh, that was, uh, the...he was so angry that you didn’t have your passport. that was the black mesa sweet voice. i...he was gonna beat you up so bad, i had to, uh, calm him down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, Benrey waited in silence while something unseen happened inside Gordon’s mind. And then he did something totally unexpected. He laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a slight thing, more of a chuckle that hardly made it past his lips, but he brought his right hand up as if that could stop it anyway. And it was so warm, full of light, no matter how small it was. Benrey was stunned for a moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he spoke again. “Alright, your voice is beautiful, whatever. But I really do need to get into that test chamber <i>stat</i>, so please, if you could just...move aside, that’d be great.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey had to shake himself out of a stupor. “whuh...oh, no. um.” He tried a note of Sweet Voice again, letting it ring out towards the helmet, and...bounce off. Fuck, would it really not work? He tried again, all while Gordon watched him, growing less and less patient for his little concert. Once again, like the first time, it hit against the HEV suit’s helmet and bounced off, dying out on the floor and dispersing into nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you done?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other guards opened the airlock and Gordon pushed past Benrey, catching him on the shoulder in a full-body nudge. Before Benrey knew it, the scientist was already picking up the pace, his long legs already having carried him halfway to the <i>next </i>airlock. He would have to run to catch up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He called out to Gordon: “guess I’ll have to follow you then!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon didn’t respond.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>The day that Benrey was interviewed for this security position was a sweltering Summer’s heatwave. He had only recently arrived in New Mexico, driven all the way up in his shitty beat-up car, and the heavy heat was pasting his faded PS2 tshirt tight to his body with sweat. He hated it. It sucked. He wanted to go back home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he’d heard rumours of things he’d swore to himself he’d keep an eye on. “Testing something big.” His military friend had told him. “Increasing security ‘n’ shit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was interesting. His friend couldn’t tell him what--he obviously had no clue--but it was enough to make Benrey pack up everything from his cozy life up North and drive himself down to Assfuck Nowhere, New Mexico, getting himself a room with the <i>worst </i>roommates he’d ever had the misfortune to bunk with. He just hoped this would all be over soon. The plans shouldn’t take too long to foil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As it was, he had to get hired first before he could even go anywhere near the building, so he faked himself some credentials, stating on his resume that he went to some fancy college that taught him all about security. He didn’t know the first thing about it, truly, and maybe he should have at least read the Wikipedia article or something, but he’d never made a habit out of thinking that far ahead. It wasn’t like his persuasive abilities, affectionately dubbed the Sweet Voice, couldn’t get him out of anything anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so, with a heavy sigh, he stepped into the downtown office building Black Mesa was using to host his interview. He probably should have brought a change of clothes. He sniffed at his wringing shirt, wrinkling his nose. Yikes. Too late now, he thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked up to the man behind the desk, raising a finger a little awkwardly to get his attention. “hey, im, uh...benrey...” He probably should have said something else, something that made sense. He was never very good at this stuff.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man gave him a polite customer-service smile anyway. “What can I do for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was the part Benrey calmly told him he was here for an interview with...what was the guy’s name again? Shit. “i, um...<i>bb</i>...have...inter-interview.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man nodded anyway, and looked down at his computer, clicking away at a few keys. “Are you Mr. Lover?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“uh...yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’ll let them know you’re here. Is that all?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. “yeah...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the man behind the desk gave him a nod, Benrey took that as his cue to leave, turning around and looking for a place he could sit down and decompress after that encounter. He took the furthest seat away from the desk--a small living chair made of crumbling leather. At least it was comfy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He only had to wait a few minutes before somebody called his name, and he stood up to follow them. The interviewer held out their hand for him to shake, offering a friendly greeting, and he took it with a forced smile. He was then led through a STAFF ONLY door, up some twisting stairs, down a short corridor, and into a room labelled with a name he tried to catch as inconspicuously as possible. He couldn’t make it out in time, and sat down on one side of the desk in shame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The interview, somehow, went by pretty smoothly. The interviewer said they enjoyed his resume, asked him a few questions about his background, his living situation, what his plans were for getting into work every day. All standard stuff, and whenever Benrey couldn’t answer, or choked, he simply Sweet Voiced the guy and all was forgotten. He hoped the rest of the mission would go this easy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the end, the interviewer stood and held out their hand once more, which Benrey took with a strong, if a little sweaty, hand, and shook once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, good news, Mr. Lover. You can start on Monday.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled. “cool.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Back in Black Mesa, Benrey was chasing after Gordon Freeman. He was going as fast as his legs could carry him, but they were so short, at least half the size of the giant’s he was chasing after. Benrey was little and squat, barely a nudge over five feet, and not athletic in the slightest. In fact, since arriving, being asked to do any sort of physical labour had been his worst nightmare. So running after Gordon like this was really pushing his muscles, and mental capacity, to their limit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“wait..! wait up!” He called after Gordon, who did, surprisingly, stop and turn around to face Benrey, doubled over to catch his breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now was his chance to blow Gordon away with his words. “come...come back to my place and play heavenly sword instead. this test is blows.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once again there was that uncomfortable silence of Gordon standing perfectly still in his suit, giving nothing away. “You...want me to abandon my job and play video games with you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey wasn’t sure what to make of the tone he took. “yeah, why not?” Not the right thing to say. He tried again. “look, i, uh...’m trying to help you...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon shifted to face Benrey a little more, taking up a blocky stance, using arm gestures to accompany his words. “Look...Ben, was it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“no. its benrey...he just cant say it right cuz hes a little stupid...dumb baby brain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<i>Benrey.</i> Okay. What <i>is</i> your problem?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“n-nothin, just wanna play some games with my bro. and, uh...stop bad shit happenin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard a large intake of breath from inside Gordon’s helmet. “Look, <i>Benrey, </i>I worked <i>so</i> hard to get on this project. I am not going to let you mess this up for me, so <i>please, </i>just...I don’t know. Bother somebody else, okay?” With that, Gordon started walking away again, leaving Benrey to scrabble after him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something felt eerily familiar about this, he thought as he raced to catch up with Gordon again; the voice, the name, the brains to work on something like this. He almost felt like he must know him from somewhere, but didn’t know where. It wasn’t like Benrey knew a lot of people, especially not scientists before he arrived here, and yet something seemed to tug at the back of his mind, some distant memory he’d almost forgotten all about...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t place it. He decided to ask more questions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“hey, uh, you worked on this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<i>Yeah?</i>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh...” That seemed to take Gordon aback, a low whining coming from the back of his throat as he thought. “I mean...uh, why...<i>wouldn’t</i> I? It’s like...<i>science</i>, that’s what I <i>do.”</i></span></p><p>
  <span>“yea, but, like, why though?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The line of questioning was making Gordon defensive. “I don’t know! Innovation! Curiosity! Why are you following me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“its, uh, company...company...” The excuses died in his throat. “cuz i think youre making a mistake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tch, yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“yeah. have you, um, thought of the consequences? what if it goes bad, man?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon was quiet after that, considering, and although his pace didn’t slow, it seemed more rigid, more on edge than it was before, almost like instead of hurrying towards the job he was late for, he was running away from questions he didn’t want to ask himself. Did he even know what he was doing? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a minute, he spoke, soft enough that Benrey only just heard him. “It won’t go bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“how do you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I...” he paused again. He then took in a strong, steadying breath of air, and nodded his head. “I know the people who started this. I trust them.” After a moment, he repeated, to himself this time. “I trust them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey frowned. Gordon was silent again, his head down. And then he spoke up once more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe...” he trailed off, whining as he thought. They were reaching another airlock. Gordon looked up as sudden realisation struck him. “Oh! This is it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The test chamber.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Benrey had never been a security guard before. He’d been a lot of things--a pizza delivery boy, a garbage collector (he liked that one, sometimes he got to eat the trash), a cashier (he did <i>not</i> like that one, and his boss didn’t like him either seeing as he got fired less than a month into it), a hotel cleaner, and just before this, he had a job as a masseuse in a small family-run spa, and while it wasn’t a bad job, his time there was cut short when he heard about Black Mesa’s current experiments--but he’d never been a security guard, or anything near it. He didn’t have a single shred of experience. Not that he was worried. If he got into trouble, he would just Sweet Voice himself out of it like he always did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nothing much happened on his first day. As he took his tour of the facility he tried to commit the important places to memory for snooping around later, stole somebody’s lunch from the break room, and went home, exhausted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first week he spent trying to get a feel of the place, figure out what they were doing, whether it really was what he feared they were doing. His results so far were inconclusive. He could tell for sure they were doing something big--they’d just built a new wing of the facility specifically for this purpose--but could it really be what he was so afraid of that he dropped everything to come here? Had they figured it out?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The second week was when he met Tommy--the one name he didn’t forget. Benrey had first found him in the break room, building a LEGO set and drinking from a litre bottle of Sprite, and they hit it off instantly. Tommy, as it turned out, was a bioengineer working on “real, human subjects, Mr. Benrey!”, and said that, although it was top-secret, Benrey had probably seen his work walking around somewhere, maybe even spoken to them. He said that with a wink and a tongue-between-teeth smile, before a quick flap of his hands as he returned to his delicate LEGO on the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It became routine, then. Benrey would snoop around the facility, eat somebody else’s lunch with Tommy and listen to him talk about whatever fascination was on his mind that day, then continue to try and learn about the project.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He learned, one day, it was as he feared. The stupid business men of Black Mesa were trying to kickstart interdimensional travel, making plans for the opening of a huge portal between here and the closest pocket dimension. Nobody in this place thought of <i>fucking</i> consequences.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His attention turned to sabotage. He would erase whiteboards, spill ink over important files, download viruses onto computers. He mocked one scientist so hard they cried and quit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But as the months went by, the project just seemed to keep steamrolling forward. No matter what Benrey tried, he couldn’t put an end to the cursed thing. The day of the test crept closer and closer and closer, until it was a month before. A week. A day. He couldn’t let this go through. He reassured himself, the day before, as long as the scientist responsible never made it to the test chamber, it would all be okay. As long as they never made it to the test chamber.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>They had made it to the test chamber.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could tell he’d knocked Gordon slightly with his words, as he hesitated in front of the airlock, but only for a moment as he shook it off and signalled for it to be opened. He half-turned to benrey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, man, you gotta get outta here now.” He said as the giant, hulking metal doors began to slide upwards. “If you go in here, you <i>die.</i>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey squirmed, wringing his hands together. “its okay, ‘m...not human.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<i>Christ, </i>whatever.” Gordon hissed as the airlock was fully opened, revealing the cavernous test chamber inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It would have been incredible, maybe even beautiful, if it wasn’t the one thing Benrey had been dreading his whole life. A gigantic dectagonal room carved out in metal, a great whirring, spinning machine in the centre, surrounding a bright, arcing beam of light. Three prongs protruding from the ground seemed to hold it in place, while overhead things Benrey couldn’t even guess the use of whirled around it. And the <i>noise</i> of it. It was so loud, he could hardly hear himself speak. It cracked and shrieked and hissed and screamed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<i>wait!</i>” He yelled, grabbing onto Gordon’s arm just as the scientist was about to walk into that hell room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What!?” Gordon shook his arm out of Benrey’s grasp as somebody called the scientist forward over the speakers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“cmon, i...” he tried, and choked. “you dont...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to do my job.” Gordon told him, and walked in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey could only watch as the airlock began to close behind him, shutting him out. It was going to leave him behind. But this was his last chance. His <i>last</i> last chance. He threw himself to the ground and slid underneath the metal beast that threatened to crush him if he didn’t move fast enough. He pushed himself through, right hand trailing behind, feeling the weight of the airlock on his wrist, pulling through the increasingly small space, finger trapped between airlock and unforgiving floor, tugging as he felt the pressure. He pulled his hand free. He made it out, unscathed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He brought his hands to his heart and breathed out a <i>long </i>breath. A long sigh of relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he looked up, Gordon had somehow already climbed up to a platform on the left side of the room, entering codes on a small command unit. Benrey leapt to his feet. He raced over there and tore up the ladder, arriving in Gordon’s line of sight with all the air knocked from his lungs, for the second time today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon looked at him. He looked at Gordon. His eyes trailed to the low railings around the platform they stood on. He decided he was going to do something impulsive.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He threw himself at Gordon, helmet first, slamming the side of his head into Gordon’s stomach and trying to take him out with his shoulders. Gordon stumbled back and Benrey lost his grip, falling to his knees as Gordon caught the railing behind his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<i>What the fuck, dude?</i>” Gordon yelled over the sounds of machinery. Benrey got back to his feet again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon kicked out, heavy metal boots slamming into Benrey’s side, making him double over. Again, Gordon asked him what the <i>hell </i>he thought he was doing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<i>saving you, asshole!</i>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? I have to--I have to do this! It’s my job!” Gordon reached out with his foot again, this time shoving Benrey out of his path so he could slip past and all but jump down the ladder.</span>
</p><p>
  <i>Fuck</i>! Benrey followed him, clutching his side in pain. Gordon had caught him on the hip and he could feel the sting all the way down to the bone. Goddamn, that <i>hurt.</i> He really wanted nothing more than to lay down and groan until it went away, but he couldn’t afford that. He had to push himself to get back up and keep going. He didn’t want to, he didn’t want to, he did not want to. Every single bone and muscle in his body did not want to keep going. He was never the resilient type, not the kind to keep strong through pain or anguish, but he had to be, now, if he wanted to keep the life he’d made for himself. He <i>liked </i>living. So he had to force himself to keep going so he never had to do it again. 
</p><p>
  <span>He made his way down the ladder a lot slower than Gordon had, hissing whenever he bent his side too much, and jumped off for the last few rungs. He landed with a metallic <i>thud</i> and looked around for Gordon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was on the other side of the room, fixing something to a box covered in wires. Benrey jogged over as fast as he could, about to attempt to helmet Gordon in the stomach again, but Gordon, tree trunk of a man, got into a defensive stance and seized Benrey by the shoulders before he could slam himself into his ribs. He was caught in a trap of his own making.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<i>Stop!</i>” Gordon demanded, hands moving down to catch Benrey’s fists where they’d begun to weakly beat against the HEV suit. “Stop! Dude! Come on!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey writhed uselessly, trying to pull his hands back in vain. “i told you, man. you gotta-you...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gordon squeezed his hands tighter, threatening to crush them. “I <i>gotta</i> do my job, okay?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“no, but-” <i>Tighter. </i>He yelped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care! Leave me alone!” With his grip on Benrey’s hands, Gordon flung him to the side with so much momentum it sent the guard tumbling to the floor, shoulder cracking against the corrugated tiles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benrey hissed through his teeth, trying to get one hand underneath him. If he could get back up, he could stop this. He just had to keep going. His bruised shoulder betrayed him, making him cry out, and when he brought his leg up to push up from, the boot print in his side burned. <i>Fuck</i>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With watery eyes he looked up for Gordon, the stubborn giant in the HEV suit who wouldn’t <i>listen. </i>Benrey found him by the box, walking around its side. He put his hands near the top, got into a stance, and oh, god, he was pushing it into that horrific centre machine. Ignoring the searing pain of his side, the agony of his shoulder, Benrey stumbled to his feet, running forward--hobbling forward--reaching out for Gordon--as the box began to make contact with the beam--<i>FUCK!</i>


</span></p><p>
  <span>“<i>NO!!</i>” he cried, but it was too late.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Benrey’s alarm had screeched to life at 2:30am that morning. He was smothered in pillows and being choked by his own hair, and he groaned a long, long groan. <i>Ugh. </i>
</span></p><p>
  <span>He’d managed to get to bed at 10pm, way earlier than usual, but still only a measly four and a half hours ago. He rubbed a sleep-numbed hand over his face, picked up his blaring phone to turn off the alarm, and groaned again with the realisation that, <i>yes, it really was 2:30 in the morning.</i></span></p><p>
  <span>The early hour was a necessary evil, however. It would take him at least 45 minutes to get ready, 20 to drive to the company train station, then just over an hour on the train to arrive at the facility, and that’s if things didn’t go wrong on the way. That put his estimated arrival time around 5am, accounting for problems, of which there always were. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>20 of his Getting Ready minutes were used scrolling through his phone, still entangled in sheets as he looked at pictures and images that would make him exhale through his nose. Then he kicked up his legs to send the sheets flying and got up to start the day, for real this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His roommates were still playing video games in the living room as he staggered to the bathroom, and they called out to him for cereal as he then staggered to the kitchen. He handed them the whole box and they didn’t look at him once the entire time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Breakfast for Benrey was the crunch of lightly buttered toast and chewing on his thoughts about the coming day. Today was the final day to stop the project from going through. God, he hoped it worked. Then he could get out of this hellhole with his hell roommates. This had been the only place available on such short notice. When he first met his roommates, he thought it’d be fine; they were guys the same age, gamers, no girlfriends who’d be turning up unannounced. Since he, too, was an alpha gamer, with no desire to pursue women (although the reasons why Benrey and <i>these guys didn’t have girlfriends were different entirely), it should have worked out perfectly. But as it turned out, people like him were insufferable. </i></span></p><p>
  <span>They were loud all night every night, never cleaned up after themselves, didn’t seem to even know what deodorant <i>was, </i>couldn’t cook, had absolute shit taste in music, and that was to name just a few things. Benrey had never thought of himself as a particularly functional adult before, or a clean freak, but experiences like this could change you. He never wanted to have to mop up another man’s pubic hair from the kitchen floor ever again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was why today was so important--among other reasons, the ones that led Benrey down here; but now he just really wanted to get back to his single, individual, alone, private, one bedroom gamer pad more than he wanted anything else in the world. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other reasons, he thought about now, <i>were</i> important though. He thought of when he first made it out into the world, dragging himself with shredded hands out of a crumbling building that had since been erased from history. If that portal was opened today...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s why he had to stop it. He wouldn’t let that happen again. Couldn’t. He put his dishes in the sink and got dressed, strapped his boots on, clicked his helmet into place on his head, and opened the door into the cool night air. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nobody was going to open that portal ever again, he’d see to that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The portal was open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room burst into white, white light, blinding. Benrey covered his face as the white hot heat of it licked his skin and he fell, feeling the metal grooves of the floor dig into his knees. He had to get out. Now. He crawled and crawled as the crescendo of deafening sounds got louder and louder, feeling along the walls for some way out of here. He panicked and crawled and crawled with his eyes squeezed shut tight, and when he realised there were no ways out of here, in a daze he crawled right through the wall. He was out but the noise seemed to be getting louder and it was surrounding his brain, choking his every thought, squeezing him in its vice grip. And then as quickly as it started, it was over, and he was left heaving on the cool ground. But something had changed, just then. Something that had long been dormant in him curled itself around his heart, around his stomach, his limbs, his mind, everything that he was and had been for so long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel them again.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>THANK U FOR READIGN,,,,,I LOV U,,,</p><p>again like this is my first time tryin to do all this n i'm rly excited!! come yell at me abt hlvrai on tumblr @godonfeeman it'll keep me motivated. but also uh!!! im a pretty slow writer!! i got that potent mix of adhd and cfs/me that makes me take 3 hours to write 500 words so i WILL take a while to update fgjfh but anyway if u got this far thank u i love u mwah</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>